I don’t remember when my spiritual journey began, I feel that it started before I was born. Soon after I was born my one-year-old sister was killed in a tragic accident. The sorrow and grief my parents endured, made me aware of loss from an early age.

Because of their loss and being the first-born son, I
also became aware of the power of love. The passing of my sister contributed to my parents’ alcoholism and divorce when I was around 10 years old. As the oldest son I became the father figure when my father left, and I had to be in control, which I realize is part of my difficulty in letting go today.

And since that had been a survival method to get through the chaos in my life, it is even more difficult, but not impossible, to let go. Early on I wondered “what IS the purpose of life?”

When I was young, I was an altar boy in the Catholic church and had thoughts of being a priest. There was a mystery then of masses given in Latin. This began a more defined quest for the meaning of life which I continue today at 74.

Throughout my life I have read dozens of books on different philosophers and thinkers, on alternate realities, on sensory deprivation- The Crack in the Cosmic Egg, the beat poets, Jack Kerouac, The Prophet by Kahil Gilbran, studied A Course in Miracles, experimented with marijuana, followed Paramahansa Yogananda. Went to lectures on EST by Werner Erhard. Sat in on lectures by Thich Nhat Hanh and Marianne Williamson. Looked into the Tao Te Ching, astrology, and more than I can list.

Amidst all of this, in 1980 I had a strong feeling that my search for the meaning of life was all in my head,
and I wasn’t getting closer (I thought) to finding an answer to my question.

After coming across a flyer on Zen Buddhism in a bookstore I frequented, I made the decision to sell all my possessions and travel to the island of Maui to practice with Roshi Robert Aitken. I had no idea what to expect, but I had to be proactive.

It was a pivotal decision in my life. This is where I learned Zen meditation and sat through many teishos
and sesshins. This is where my life became grounded. In dokusan with Roshi Aitken I was given the koan
mu to practice in meditation. I stayed at the Maui Zendo for 9 months. It was sort of my gestation period.

Returning from Maui I continued on my journey of life. Working, getting married, having children and
staying busy with life’s challenges and moments. A quote that has kept me grounded is from “Zen and
the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert Pirsig.

“The only Zen you find on the top of mountains is the Zen you you bring up there.”

We can find our true nature in this moment right where we are. Daily Zen has been a guiding light for me during the past several years. It is the quiet in my day and the support needed to keep going, to keep letting go and to stay in the moment. To sit on the cushion and breathe mu.

Its readers make up the Sangha. I am grateful for the guidance and grateful to share my journey.
Namaste, the divine in me bows to the divine in you.

Michael M